What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:36
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
How can someone effectively handle a targeted individual?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was in good health!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Has anyone been tricked into having sex with a shemale? How was the experience?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is soul school!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What do men like to be given for their birthday?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was scared of men, in general
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I will be 64.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I said to her
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But, we were locked up after school.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He resisted the act ,that day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He knew the spot.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She wouldn,t have been !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Would this be the day?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.